Where Do The Non-Douche Bags Shop?

Before coming back to LA my mom handed me a check and said, "Get yourself some new clothes. Some nice ones that'll last." My mom obviously knows that film school has not been lucrative for me, and apparently has also noticed my wardrobe hasn't changed much in the past three years. She managed to remind me to spend the money on clothes and not on, say the cable bill and car insurance or some type of wild movie camera purchase.

It's her money, so I figured I ought to obey.

It's been a long time since I really went shopping. I've bought things, but only as I came across them or because I hadn't got around to doing laundry...the idea of going out shopping has become...foreign. Not that I really ever enjoyed shopping...I know, I know, all of you who see more on a regular basisi are thinking, "Wow, that's so odd, because you're a really good dresser." (psyche!)

But seriously, I was once told, although it is probably an urban legend, that guys displayed similar symptoms prior to having a heart attack when inside a retail store. I believe it.

So with efficiency in mind, I parlayed my meeting at the Grove this morning into a shopping trip and I figured I'd stop by Nordstroms, the old shopping standby. (Yes, I grew up in Marin County, all right, gimme a break). But seriously, I thought, "nice clothes that will last," and I told myself I'd like to pick up some knitted Facconable shirts.

I stepped into Nordstroms and headed straight to the Facconable section. Now, granted these shirts are a bit pricey, but they are incredibly well made, much better than Polo and only a few bucks more. I don't know how they stand up to Lacoste, but I'm not auditioning for Wedding Crashers II, so I'm kind of avoiding the pastels. Plus, despite my disappointment in the French for not joining the Crusade against Saddam Hussein, and generally being proud of being American, I actually kinda like French things like brie, Zidane, and Facconable. What can I say?

But in Nordstrom I was disappointed to find only two knitted shirts of the style I like and none in my size. So I looked around at the other shirts and shoes and clothes and nothing really struck my fancy. And everything was so expensive.

Now my opinion on clothes and expensive items in general is rather consistent. I don't mind spending dough on things, so long as I get a lot of use out of them. Spending $80 on a shirt versus $40, is well worth it, if you wear the $80 shirt a lot and don't wear the $40 shirt much.

The odd factor in this calculus is the fact that you don't really ever know how much you'll wear an item until after you own it. And the cost of the item rarely has an impact on how much you'll wear it. I have a number of expensive shirts I wear all the time. But I also have a number of really cheap pairs of pants that I wear all the time too. I also have a bunch of expensive sweaters I never wear. I also have a couple of cheap shirts that I never wear. One thing has little relation to the other. So my theory of shopping is to buy things you like, cheap or expensive.

Nothing was striking my fancy in Nordstrom and when I walk outside I start thinking to myself, "I must have gotten gun shy. It's been a long time since I've been shopping, I forgot how to pull the trigger."

I head toward the Lucky store. Nothing. I reluctantly go into Banana Republic. I hate Banana Republic. It's the same reason I hate Garden State. I can't really explain it, they are close to home, but something evil about them. If I were a super hero, my arch nemesis would make movies like Garden State and wear Banana Republic clothes, let's just put it that way.

But I'm upstairs and there's this pretty sweet long sleeved shirt. I touch it. I leave it. I go back and look at it again. I find a pair of khaki pants. I go back to the shirt. $78. "Buy some nice clothes that will last." I start thinking of how many shirts I could buy at Ross Dress For Less that look pretty similar to the $78 Banana Republic shirt. Goddamit, just buy it you pussy!

I leave it on the rack. I buy the khaki pants. I exit the store feeling like a tool. Khaki pants. Can you get any more boring? They weren't on sale or anything, it was just a straight khaki pants purchase. From Banana Republic. Jesus, what a horrible start.

I need to leave the Grove. I decide I should stop by Larchmont Village. About six months ago I walked by a store and really liked a jacket in the window, but was too cheap to buy it. That'll cure this damn khaki pants purchase!

I get to Larchmont and remember the store was right next to Kicks, the styling shoe store. I go to the store and it's been closed down. Shit, I wonder if I had bought that jacket...

I end up in another boutique and there's this tall, tanned, very pretty girl working. She smiles at me. They have one rack of clothes. I walk up to the rack and start glancing at the prices. Woooo. I stand back and notice a tee shirt. It has pictures of 8-9 stand up comedians: Woody Allen, Eddie Murphy, Richard Pryor, George Carlin. Awesome.

"Can I help you with something?"

"I kind of like this shirt. But I don't see Chris Rock."

"Dave Chappelle is better than Chris Rock." Chappelle is on the shirt.

"Yeah...well, I'm not so sure...but Chris Rock is better than Martin Lawrence." Martin Lawrence is also on the shirt.

Why we are only comparing the black comedians, I'm not sure.

"I agree, Chris Rock is better than Martin Lawrence."

I almost want to get into it a little more with her about why she doesn't like Chris Rock, but she seems sweet and I want her to like me.

She steps closer. "It kinda seems like they were going for the old school thing."

"Yeah, who are these guys? Is this Lenny Bruce?"

She shrugs.

"But then they have Chappelle, it's weird," I say.

She smiles and leaves me alone. I go to buy the tee shirt.

"Just $29 even." It was $29, she wasn't charging me tax.

"Oh, is this your store?" I assumed she just worked there, but no regular employee would have the chutzpah to not charge tax - or would they?

"Yeah, I co-own it with a friend."

Hot. The hot girl just became the badass hot girl. She has doubled her hotness, in my eyes. I, for the record, don't buy Maureen Dowd's thesis that successful men like the marry their secretaries. Like I said, to me, the fact this girl owned the store doubled her hotness. Of course, I'm not successful...yet.

I don't ask for her number or anything, well, because I'm a pussy and part of me thinks she was probably just being nice to sell me the shirt, but I did like talking to her about comedians.