Affirmative Action For Sports

How is it fair that some people are born naturally gifted athletically? It isn't. Hence, certain performance enhancing drugs should be allowed.

More unfair than being born without athletic prowess or intellectual aptitude, however, is being born unsuave with the opposite (or I should say, desired) sex. It is patently unfair that some guys get to have sex with hot chicks and others don't. Same for girls. Fat girls don't get hit on by cool guys. It sucks, I imagine.

Not only that, I'm positive sexual frustration is a lot more painful and damaging than not getting into an Ivy League college. Given a choice between Harvard and Jessica Alba...well, let's not kid ourselves folks. Hence, I've come around to a position - a position I believe consistent with progressive, liberal values of fairness and equality of opportunity - sexual affirmative action.

I know you think it's crazy...but imagine the benefits - you get to sleep with someone totally out of your league. And yes, the downside is that you need to give it up to someone way below your league. But hey, those white folks in the South probably preferred the front of the bus, too...but let's be honest, it wasn't fair. And neither is hogging all the hot chicks.

So that's my platform for the 2016 Presidential election, the first election where I'll be eligible.