The Depression of Student Films Screenings

Every time I attend a USC thesis film screening, a deep and difficult to describe depression sets in. There are several levels of this depression, I don't think I can articulate them all...

As an audience member, generally, there are one or two movies in a given screening I want to see, either because of the content or the filmmaker. During the rest, I feel like a hostage, forced, against my will to watch the other movies. Rarely are the films good. And by good - I simply mean, worth my time watching, since the screenings are free.

As a fellow student, I feel a mix of anger, guilt, shame, and envy. I get angry when someone makes a piece of shit movie, spending so much time and energy and money they generally don't have....I feel guilt about not being supportive of the effort and spirit of filmmaking....I feel shame for not making a big movie of my own and putting it out there....(but then I realize the 20+ grand I saved and the shame feels pretty good)...but then another shame lurks in...the 60,000 plus living expenses I spent during film school (only a small portion, I myself paid for...not to mention the opportunity cost. Yipes!)....and then envy should a movie be actually good and get praise and I think to myself - I could do that. Shit, I could probably do that better. And then the circle starts again because I realize everyone else thought the exact same thing when they got started...when the film was an idea and not a real thing.

And say the movie does get praise - and boy, are there different levels of praise. Maybe your peers like it and hold you in esteem. Maybe your parents and family like it and are glad to see you didn't make a stupid career choice. Maybe a few crappy festivals like it and let you in. Maybe USC likes it and gives you finishing funds or a DGA screening. Maybe some really good festival lets you in and gives you an award. Maybe an agent likes it and offers to read your script. Maybe, gasp, an esteemed filmmaker likes it and says "good job." Maybe the Oscars like it.

It all makes me want to puke. The fawning eyes, the praise, the temporary boost of confidence, the delusion of grandeur. The want (and perhaps, need) for glory and praise is all bit pathetic. Why do people need EVERYONE to love their work...

And it all comes at the expense of others, you know...because they make it competitive. "You wimp," I hear people saying in their minds...the world is competitive, if you can't take it, go to the USSR. I hate these people. I hate them deep down because they compete over what shouldn't be a competition. If they want a footrace or an arm wrestle or a 1 on 1 bball game, I'm game. But to make student films into a competition...it's like parents stroking sibling rivalry. Only disgusting people would do such a thing, and yet it pervades the DNA of student filmmaking at USC (and probably elsewhere). You have unbelievable idiotarians making prognostications on the first screening of 507 of who will "make it." As if they knew - or could possibly know - such a thing. And people keep doing it throughout school, changing their minds based upon what other people think, what the film festivals think, what the Oscars think, never pausing to think of anything beyonds rewards and "success" and all those other tokens of flair.

So you can see the cycle coming 'round again...anger, guilt, shame, envy...the same feelings, but bigger and more pervasive. They become metaphysical, epistemological, chronological, gubernatorial...

It all just makes me want to sing, "Black is the color of my true love's hair..."