Trips for a Traveling Terrorist

(reprinted from an Atlantic article)

1. Don't wear short pants that show socks when you're standing up. The pants should cover the socks, because intelligence authorities know that fundamentalists don't wear long pants. [Do they call themselves fundamentalists?]

2. If a person, for example, wears a T-shirt or a shirt that has the drawing of a spirit - that is, a bird, an animal, etc - don't cut off the head (Islamic tradition frowns on the depiction of living beings). Either wear it with the drawing, or don't wear it at all. Moreover, you should never carry any item of clothing in your suitcase where the pictures have been tampered with, or where the head of the animal or bird has been cut off.

3. Don't wear clothes made in suspect countries such as Iran, Pakistan, Iraq, Libya, Sudan, North Korea, Cuba, etc.

4. Underwear should be the normal type that people wear, not anything that shows you're a fundamentalist. [You know, like Osama boxer shorts]

5. A long time before traveling - especially from Khartoum - the person should always wear socks and shoes, to get rid of cracks [in the feet which come from extended barefoot walking], which take about a week to cure [good to know]

6. If the mission requires wearing a chain, you should show it by opening the top buttons of the shirt. [i agree completely]

7. Never use the perfumes used by the brothers [fundamentalists]

8. You should differentiate between

a) Perfume used only after shaving - "After Shave" is written on the bottle. This type is used only on the chin and nowhere else [not true, i've rubbed it on my balls before]

b) Perfumes - marked "Lotion" - that are placed anywhere on the clothes, on the head, behind the ears, etc.

9. You should use the type of perfume for the underarms that usually comes in the shape of a soap ball. You should never use any other type of normal perfume under the arms [i think this should be a general rule applied to all non-US citizen entering in the country]

10. You should differentiate between men and women's perfume. If you use women's perfume, you are in trouble. [goddamn right, allah doesn't like that shit]